Garrison Keillor

I want to resume the life of a shy person. ”

Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore. ”

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. ”

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it. ”

A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever. ”

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose. ”

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted. ”

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average. ”

My religion would be a gentle faith that believed in the sacredness of leisure. Napping as a form of prayer. ”

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. ”