Elayne Boosler

Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full. ”

I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.' ”

I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble. ”

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? ”

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people. ”

I've never been able to write for stand-up. ”

I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. ”

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. ”

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. ”

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born. ”