David Letterman

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. ”

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger. ”

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. ”

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. ”

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. ”

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. ”

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton. ”

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home. ”

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. ”

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. ”