Andy Rooney

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men. ”

I'm in a position of feeling secure enough so that I can say what I think is right and if so many people think it's wrong that I get fired, well, I've got enough to eat. ”

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie? ”

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens. ”

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives. ”

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough. ”

My own time is passing fast enough without some national game to help it along. ”

I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points. ”

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads. ”

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment. ”