Allan Sherman

Success is like winning the sweepstakes or getting killed in an automobile crash. It always happens to somebody else. ”

Grandma cheated whenever she could. She cheated because it was a much more scientific and surer way of winning than trusting to luck. ”

When the great history of trouble is written, my family will stand extremely high in the table of contents. ”

I was having trouble making ends meet, and my beginnings weren't meeting either. ”

The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so little to recommend it. ”

You want to fall in love with a shoe, go ahead. A shoe can't love you back, but, on the other hand, a shoe can't hurt you too deeply either. And there are so many nice-looking shoes. ”

Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage. ”

I had moved out of the Edison Hotel because I couldn't pay the bill and was living at the Lincoln Hotel, where I couldn't pay the bill either, but it was cheaper. ”

Well, you might as well imitate your own program because if you don't, someone else will. ”

In Hollywood if you are not working, you are a leper. True, you are probably living in the most expensive leper colony in the world. ”