Garrison Keillor

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.

A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

My religion would be a gentle faith that believed in the sacredness of leisure. Napping as a form of prayer.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

When you're in your 20s, your 30s, even, you have - at least, I had - vast ambitions, and you sit around mooning about these things, and you're depressed, because you haven't done them. And it takes you a long time to come to the realization that if you can't be John Updike, well, then, you can't.

I write for a radio show that, no matter what, will go on the air Saturday at five o'clock central time. You learn to write toward that deadline, to let the adrenaline pick you up on Friday morning and carry you through, to cook up a monologue about Lake Wobegon and get to the theater on time.

Lake Wobegon, the little town that time forgot and the decades cannot improve.

A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.