Fran Lebowitz

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.