Erma Bombeck

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.