Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

Children make your life important.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.