Tim Vine

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.