Steve Allen

What people will - or will not - laugh at is mainly determined by their social conditioning.

In those of us who have the mysterious ability to amuse others, it is usually the case that even before we were aware of our own abilities, we had become practiced at laughing more than other children in our social circle.

If there is a God, the phrase that must disgust him is - holy war.

Ours is a government of checks and balances. The Mafia and crooked businessmen make out checks, and the politicians and other compromised officials improve their bank balances.

I was in sixth grade the first time I was required to speak in front of an audience. I had terrible stage fright and felt quite ill, in fact, by the time I had to give my little talk to students in another class across the hall.

Given a little time for the pain to subside, dreadful experiences often can be the basis of funny jokes or stories.

One of the nice things about problems is that a good many of them do not exist except in our imaginations.

If the Old Testament were a reliable guide in the matter of capital punishment, half the people in the United States would have to be killed tomorrow.