Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!