Ambrose Bierce

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.

Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.

Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.